Episode 148

Oh the Rain

Art by Patty Piotrowski

Hello Singer of Wellness!

Feels more than a little weird to write a message telling you how I have fallen and failed as someone to sing with.... and then invite you to sing with me. But why let weird stop me now??!

This week I had one of those, mmm, "growth opportunities"(!), and when I came to record the episode, I couldn't bring myself to sing. The short version is I was told something that raised lots of old doubts whether my voice is ok -- made me question my "qualifications" to invite singing, my belonging in singing spaces. 

Yet, partly because of all the many song messages I draw on routinely from A Breath of Song, I didn't spiral down. (Whoo-hoo!!!) I found a more tender, open way through than I ever have before. This week's song was one of the many that helped me navigate this... and after I wrote out and recognized what was happening, I felt able to sing again.... so we do have an episode! (It was a near thing!)

The long, involved story is below, including which songs were popping into my brain. If that kind of work/practice interests you, have at it -- if not, feel free to let it float into cyberspace!

Mmmm... what else?

The day after this newsletter goes out, twenty A Breath of Song listeners will gather at the Rowe Center for the first ever A Breath of Song retreat, bringing our questions, skills, fallings, and failings. Letting the power of song in community help us find presence, listen to our voices, widen capacity. I'll bring this practice of tenderness...

Next week is a very special Listener's Choice episode -- one of my older sisters, Ann!!!! Maybe you'll consider sharing three of your favorites with the group after you see what she's picked? I would LOVE that! (And to be honest: if you don't, we won't be able to do more Listener's Choice episodes... which would be sad.)

After the retreat (along with a special conversation and more songs), comes the last steps of prepping our very first Ribbon of Song episode, releasing July 3rd, singing with the community online on Sunday, July 7th, 4 p.m. ET. More on that soon, but I hope you'll join us there...

All italicized words from "Oh the Rain" by me

Oh the rain, the rain it comes down.

This is very unusual. I'm writing this on Saturday before even recording the episode -- because I just can't sing right at this moment, when I was planning to record.

You see, several years ago, I sang improv in duets and small groups with a friend. She has been turning down invitations from me to sing for the past two years, and I felt awkward and confused -- had I made some gigantic misstep, or hurt her in some way? I asked if we could possibly get together and walk & talk about this -- and so we did yesterday. 

She told me that she didn't enjoy singing with me -- that she always felt friction instead of flow and ease, so she would continue to turn down invitations. She said this as kindly and gently as she possibly could, clarifying that she likes me, she respects and values my work, and she hadn't told me because she didn't want to hurt me... and I hadn't imagined the awkwardness.

Whhhhoooooh.... I was: a. hurt and sad b. extremely grateful that she made the effort to show up for me and tell me the truth. I could see how difficult that was, and how much care and gentleness she exerted in the telling. Singing with other people is vital to me -- so it was still hard to hear. I have old wounds around my voice being "not good enough" to sing -- again, hard to hear. But hard things are part of life, no? And I have been learning how to tend myself through hurt. "Open the ocean wide..." says Eli Marienthal in episode #52.

I'm gonna take a breath or two, and soften -- let my heart be tender.

First a cry and a snuggle (unfortunately with a stuffie rather than Tom, since he's on Covid isolation... another story!) And then mindfulness time. "I am here, I am now, I accept, I allow." Resa Cirrincione, episode #131. I practiced to notice and name the feelings as they rose and fell -- hurt, sad, lonely, angry, self-despising, hopeless -- saying to myself, "I breathe this hurt in, I breathe out tenderness. I breathe this sadness in, I breathe out tenderness. I breathe this despising in, I breath out tenderness." And so on and on. Cry. Continue. 

Softly, gently, let it fall as it will.

When we walked and talked, my brain was loudly demanding I run away! "I'm going to quit everything. No more singing aloud ever. I wish I wasn't here. I'll just go that way and leave her." Then, "Stay, Patricia. Listen to what she's really saying. You can survive being hurt. Stay here." "Don't numb to this." counsels Abigail Bengson, episode #106, and I sang it to myself on the drive home. When I say noticing and naming the feelings is a PRACTICE for me, I am not kidding. I'm not skilled or confident at this. I'm learning. 

At home, after a while of letting the feelings fall inside me and being tender with them, I began to notice change. Some curiosity stated to peek through. "Life keeps rearranging," observes Kaitie Ty Warren, episode #55. Questions flooded in. Was she responding to the sound quality or capability of my voice, or my personality, or my musical choices? Or is something in herself challenged by my way of being? Or something else I haven't even thought of? Do I create friction instead of flow for other people as well? Are there ways I could change to make it more enjoyable to sing with me, since I love to sing with others? Some useful questions!

Softly, gently. Tender, tender.

I'm so deeply grateful this friend took the risk of telling me something hard. I'm relieved that it came at a time when I was ready and had time to practice skills of self-care. "This is a wave, I am the ocean," says Emily Roblyn, episode #38. The way I've jumped to self-loathing and self-destruction in the past may have made it feel too risky for people to be straight with me.... no space for their experience, because I was so filled with the dire emergency (flashing lights, sirens) of me being in emotional pain -- I had lost my sense of ocean.

When I felt fundamentally unprotected, it was like my core was so wounded, it couldn't bear any more pain. But this... what I did this time starts to feel exciting! "What if falling felt like freedom?" asks Lisa Forkish, episode #35. A freedom to feel, a freedom to choose a response. (Yes, Viktor Frankl; maybe I'm beginning to understand?!) The safety of my own acceptance and tenderness lets me listen in a new way, with genuine space for another person's experience.

Oooh -- such glimmerings! What an opening it is to hear that I am falling or failing. When I can hear where there's space for growth, there's actually a chance I can do better. "May it serve the whole," says Ahlay Blakely, episode 90. I feel absurdly late getting to this facet of adulting!!!

Finding a tender way of standing in the rain is huge growing for me. And these songs, planted week after week, help me. Help me soften, strengthen, grow, explore, accept, change... "Andito ngayon" (here, now)... Gérone Pascal, episode #124. Do you know that when I'd written my way to here, all that pain had eased enough that I could sing?

I trust that you hear both my sadness at the ways I fail myself and others -- and my excitement at the ways I grow and dig into life. I trust you are listening to your own voice and where it invites you. And I'll go read your names right now, recognizing that I am not the only one navigating life as it comes! If you want to hit reply and tell me your story of using a song, I'm listening....

Heather Houston (episodes 74 & 75) is fundraising to create a new album of original songs... don't miss your chance to help bring more beautiful work into the world! Click on her picture to visit her Kickstarter page and learn more.... she's about 1/2 way there, with 2 weeks to go. It's an all-or-nothing one, so help really makes a difference...

Moira Smiley (episodes 39 & 40) is releasing an amazing new album project to the public on Sept 6... I just wanted to share an early heads up so you can start looking for it, because it is an amazing work, (I've gotten to listen to it & read the book, designed by Fiona, who spent so much time helping A Breath of Song!) Moira has gathered her "root songs" -- it's called the Rhizome Project, and includes string quartet and more. This video is of an early performance of one of the songs, "Refugee". Find Moira on tour this summer -- you will not regret hearing her in concert! Tour schedule.

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